Listen up, because this is important: Your kids are their own people, not a reflection of you. It’s time to quit the insecurity BS before you damage them and your relationship. The key? Upping your self-esteem game and growing some serious self-awareness. Let’s dive into why this matters and how to do it.
Warning Signs You’re Parenting from Insecurity
Before we go deeper, let’s address some clear signs that your own insecurities are messing with your parenting:
You Don’t Allow Your Child to Act Their Age
Early warning signs:
- Overemphasizing the need to hit every developmental milestone as early as possible
- Obsessively cleaning their face after every bite while they’re learning to self-feed
- Correcting them for pronouncing a word incorrectly when they’re just learning to talk
- Correcting your two-year-old in a non playful way for things like not knowing the difference between a donkey and a horse in a story book
- Expecting perfect coloring within the lines when they’re just learning to hold crayons
- These are early signs that you may be passing down trauma that was inflicted on you – you’re afraid others will judge you based on your child’s development and behavior, so you don’t allow them to be a child and in the process squash their self confidence before they’re even out of diapers.
You React from Embarrassment Rather Than Necessity
You take your child’s public behavior as a personal reflection on you
- Yanking their arm or loudly scolding them in the grocery store for any reason other than an imminent safety risk
- You place an unusual level of importance on the table manners and dining etiquette of your young children.
- Your child’s age appropriate behavior is unacceptable to you so instead of understanding why, you teach them that being obedient is more valuable than being their authentic selves so they don’t embarrass you in front of the strangers in church.
- Newsflash: The only one embarrassing themselves here is you
You’re Overinvested in Their Performance
- Getting more upset than your child about their sports performance (bonus dumb ass points for letting them know about it) Take yourself straight to jail or at the very least the nearest therapist if you’re doing this on the field in front of their friends
- Seeing your kid put in effort every day with studying and homework, then punishing them for bringing home a C instead of trying to help
- Making their achievements or struggles about your own worth
The sad truth is, if you’re an offender of parenting from a place of insecurity, you’ve probably already dismissed this article. You’re thinking “this is terrible advice, I push my kid so they can realize their potential later in life.” But the reality is, they’re probably not going to elevate themselves from their middle class upbringing to summering in the south of France on their yacht thanks to you always placing unrealistic expectations on them.
In fact, it’s much more likely they’ll wind up an anxiety ridden, overthinking, people pleaser who’s terrified of making a mistake. Does this sound like the next Elon Musk to you? No, it’s much more likely that you’re setting them on the path of the miserable middle manager constantly trying to climb the corporate ladder, all in the hopes of finally impressing you and improving their sense of self-worth, which you’ve unwittingly tied to external approval. The children of insecure parents never feel fulfilled because enough is never enough – there’s no end goal, no finish line. There’s always something else to achieve or improve upon. This cycle traps both the parent and child in a spiral of perpetual disappointment and resentment.
The Self-Esteem Parenting Revolution
Still with me? That’s a Good sign… Here are some key points to remember:
- You Are Not Your Kids: Get this through your head – your kids’ achievements (or failures) don’t define you. They’re not your second chance at life, your do-over, or your legacy. They’re their own damn people.
- Other People’s Opinions Can Respectfully Kiss Your Ass: When you’re secure, Judgy McJudgerson’s side-eye at the grocery store rolls right off. Your friends or family’s “helpful suggestions”? In one ear, out the other.
- Your Neighbor’s Kid’s Accomplishments Don’t Matter: When you’re parenting from a place of security you’re not bothered by your neighbors with the 3 kids all getting full rides to Ivy League schools. They’re going to judge you for your kids accomplishments, let them. They’ve very likely messed theirs up in ways that are yet unapparent.
The Collateral Damage
When you parent from insecurity:
- You’re teaching your kids that their worth is tied to others’ opinions
- You’re setting them up for a lifetime of trying to please others instead of themselves
- You’re creating a home environment that’s tense, unstable, and frankly, no fun
- You’re missing out on really knowing your kids because you’re too busy projecting onto them
So What Do You Want To Do about It?
The question you should be asking yourself now is – do I want to help my child grow into a confident, self-assured adult with which I have one of the best relationships of my life? Or do I want them to be the miserable anxious career minded corporate pawn who has contempt for me, yet still seeks my ever elusive approval and places their sense of self-worth on meaningless atta boy awards and the approval of others who take advantage of the whipping boy or girl you’ve molded them into?
If you’ve correctly picked the former congratulations to you and your children for being/having the type of parent that’s capable of setting ego preservation aside and acknowledging mistakes when the stakes are this high. That’s one of the hardest things to do in life, you are a rare bird. Now let’s move in to how we can turn this around…
What You Can Do About it: Building Parental Self Esteem
- Face Your Demons: Get therapy, meditate, journal – whatever it takes to confront your issues head-on
- Define Your Values: What really matters to YOU in parenting? Not what your parents did, not what the books say
- Set Boundaries: Learn to tune out unsolicited advice and judgment. Your parenting, your rules
- Celebrate Your Wins: Did you handle a tantrum without losing it? Win. Did you have a real conversation with your teenager? Massive win
- Find Your Tribe: Surround yourself with parents who lift you up, not tear you down
The Self-Aware Approach
- Check Your Baggage: Before you react, ask: “Is this about helping them, or is this about venting my frustrations or feelings of embarrassment?”
- Listen, Really Listen: Put down your phone, turn off the voice in your head, and hear what your kid is actually saying
- Admit When You’re Wrong: Nothing builds respect faster than a parent who can say, “I screwed up, I’m sorry”
- Let Them Be Them: Encourage their interests, even if they’re different from yours. Your football star might want to try playing the violin – let them
- Model Self-Love: Show your kids what it looks like to take care of yourself, to stand up for yourself, to be proud of who you are
Focusing on What Really Matters: Raising Kids, Not Stroking Your Ego
Parenting is not about you, it’s about equipping your kids to handle life’s shit storm. Here’s what you should be teaching them at age appropriate intervals instead of obsessing over how their report card and sports accomplishments makes you look:
Resilience
Life’s gonna knock them down. Teach them to get back up, dust off, and keep swinging. When they face a setback, don’t rush to fix it. Ask them, “What can you learn from this?” and “How are you gonna tackle this next time?” The goal is to shield them from what doesn’t matter in life and help guide them in what does, not to bubble-wrap their entire existence.
Work Ethic
Success isn’t given, it’s earned. Drill this into their heads: Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard. Got a kid who wants to be a rock star? Great. Now show them what it takes – hours of practice, dealing with rejection, the whole nine yards. Don’t just hand them a guitar and expect magic.
Critical Thinking
In a world full of bullshit, teach your kids to question everything – respectfully, but thoroughly. When they come to you with a problem, don’t just give them the answer. Ask, “What do you think?” Get them to break down the issue, consider different angles. You’re raising thinkers, not parrots.
Personal Responsibility
This is a big one. Your kids need to learn that they’re the authors of their own lives. No blaming the teacher, the coach, or the dog for eating their homework. When they screw up (and they will), guide them to own it, apologize if necessary, and figure out how to make it right. Owning your actions is a demonstration of strong character and self-esteem and will set them up for success in their relationships and careers.
Kindness
In a world where you can be anything, teach your kids to be kind. Not the fake, smile-for-the-camera kind of nice, but genuine empathy and compassion. Encourage them to stand up for the underdog, to share, to consider others’ feelings. Cruelty and selfishness comes from a place of poverty and shows weakness. Kindness on the other hand comes from a place of abundance and shows strength.
Civility
Here’s a life skill that’s in short supply. Teach your kids to disagree without being disagreeable. Show them how to stand their ground on important issues without resorting to raising their voice, name-calling, low blows, or worst of all, physical violence. These tactics do nothing but reveal intellectual weakness and lack of self-control. In arguments, the goal should be understanding, not just winning.
Real-Life Application
Let’s say your 2 year old is struggling to draw within the lines of a coloring book, mispronouncing words, or misidentifying animals. Instead of putting them down over it here’s what you should do when your child is making age appropriate mistakes even if your mother’s hair dresser’s, 2 year old niece is selling their finger paintings on Etsy.
- Understand it’s normal for young children to make mistakes as they are learning new things. If your child’s mistakes are typical for their age, it’s best to simply wait and let them develop naturally.
- This is especially true If they tend to be easily discouraged or frustrated, in this case it’s best to avoid correcting them and focus on building their confidence. It can also be helpful to model making similar mistakes and continuing to try until you get it right.
- Here are some tips for correcting your child’s mistakes without hurting their confidence:
- Be gentle and patient.
- Focus on their accomplishments.
- Offer ample encouragement and praise for their effort and accomplishments no matter how small
- Avoid using negative language.
- Make it fun and playful.
For example, instead of saying, “No, That’s not right,” you could say, “You’re being so silly! That’s not a Horse, that’s a Donkey! You silly goose. You’re so silly.” Their response to your form of critique will tell you all you need to know if you pay attention.
- Remember, the most important thing is to create a positive and supportive learning environment for your child where they enjoy learning and getting better at things in their own time. If you’re too critical you risk them quitting on something they could have been really good at and enjoyed if given the proper support.
Now Let’s say your kid is older and struggling in math. Instead of freaking out about how this makes you look or comparing them to little Timmy next door who’s apparently a calculus prodigy, try this:
- Sit down with your kid and figure out what’s really going on. Are they struggling with the material? Bored? Having issues with the teacher?
- Work together to come up with a plan. Maybe it’s extra practice, a tutor, or talking to the teacher about different learning strategies
- Emphasize effort over grades: “I’m proud of how hard you’re working” beats “Why can’t you get an A like your brother?”
The Payoff
When you parent from a place of solid self-esteem and awareness:
- You create a home where kids feel safe to be themselves
- You build strong, authentic relationships with your children
- You teach resilience by example
- You break generational cycles of insecurity and self-doubt
- You actually enjoy parenting instead of it being a constant stress-fest
The Bottom Line
Your kids don’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be secure enough in yourself to let them be imperfect. They need you to be aware enough to see them for who they really are, not who you or society wants them to be.
So get your act together. Work on your self-esteem. Grow your self-awareness. Because at the end of the day, the best gift you can give yourself and your kids is a parent who’s comfortable in their own skin and who sees and accepts them for exactly who they are.
Remember: Your kids are not your second chance, your do-over, or your ego boost. They’re their own people on their own journey. Your job is to guide them, love them, and then have the self-esteem to let them go be whoever they’re meant to be.
Now let’s go forth and parent the next generation into the confident, kind, self-aware world changers they’re capable of becoming.